...si trova in corridorio adesso...ed io sul letto nella camera vuota, che era la mia per un po'... Mi sento vuota anch'io...cosa sarà la vita al di là del parete? Non cambia proprio niente...lo so. La Julia, come sarà come coinquilina? Come sarà il nuovo semestre? ...Be'....direi quando si è tristi e perduti si può fare solo una cosa...andare sul balcone a fare delle bolle di sapone...e così vado. Chiedelo al vento...

Yesterday was the wedding of my cousin...I enjoyed myself a lot being there...I knew quite a lot of people...most of all, the windsurf-community of course and then my family obviously. Imagine that now, immediately she seems quite a lot of older than me...non ho mai fatto il caso. Naja... Then I accompagnied the daughter of my older cousin to the preparation of her confirmation. (It's only by looking at the english word that I understand a lot more about it...that's why I support doing it at an older age than she has now...when it would really be her choice. For me it wasn't my choice...I mean what did I know...?!) Anyway..we talked about faith/reliance/trust...which is all one word in german ;) I like becoming part of her life, I really do...
Then there was the story of the guy who suddendly changed his name...he's Markus now...I mean Markus?! I don't get it. Some things must have obviously happend...I can't imagine what makes you change your whole life like that.. I mean, I'd be another person if I was called Melanie, right? I can't imagine to suddenly let the people call me Salome (even though more would be able to pronounce that..)
My new room's set btw...it's still strange to be here...I mean it still has to become my room...(I'm sure I gonna walk into Julias a couple of times..) There's much more room, I got a whole Sehnsucht-Wand and I'm sure it's gonna be a good time here...
Lif'e is btw...a shaggy dog story...but surprised are good at times I'm sure.

Quería tan sólo intentar vivir lo que tendía a brotar espontáneamente de mí. ¿Por qué había de serme tan difícil? --> for how long will every inch of this world remind me of you??

That's it for today... I'm still waiting for Julia to come and then it's time to get some sleep before I go back to USI tomorrow...
My Haarverlängerungs-Hair. It was incredibly long...now it's gone..right now I feel like cutting it right off..but well till I get to someone who could do it... Anyway...

uff...I'm sitting here in university because internet is not yet working at home... I woke up this morning with a guy talking loudly in our hallway...later I found out that he came to the door telling my roommate: "your bathroomlight's not working..." We didn't know until that point ;)
Yesterday I got saved from having to spend a night at the trainstation in Milano...lucky me....Incredibile thought, that Isabel needed a lift right the same evening. Was great stopping somewhere in front of the boarder and getting a beer out in the freezing cold :) (The huge danish beer wasn't the best choice...I was happy with my Fosters) So, thanks Fe!!!
I had been coming back from Bologna were I spent yet another strange time...it's has been a relief to finally being able to talk without pretending anything...so I'm thankful for that...but obviously I'm also confused and all and don't actually know much right now...
Now I'm gonna have to clean up my life a little bit, starting with my room which is just one huge mess.
Good news arrived today: Heather's going to University...And she's studying comunication...haha. I'm proud of you my little sister!

Speedy Pizza's no longer speedy Pizza!! that's pretty sad I'd say!! Today a wonderful day for going to the lake and relax, read and write! Thank you Anna for a wonderful idea! (I read a book talking about me!!)
Oh and of course...happy valentine's day to everyone...(I'm not serious obviously..)

sitting here in uri is pretty strange...it's pretty windy outside but totally silent here in the house...only me and my dad are there and he's already gone to bed. Yesterday I went to see a friend of mine or something like it, I hardly know her. But I got to meet her friends and they were wonderful. We had a good laugh, maded some plans for the future and I went to carneval ;) (horrible!) Zurich...it's not that interesting but well...it's nice to make your bed where you lay down your head...
Tomorrow I'm gonna meet an old friend and then go to Carneval in Uri to meet some more old friends...Since I've done the whole drinking story already on friday...I'm not totally ready for Carneval I feel...anyway...there's other bits and pieces to be done in the next couple of days...won't be boring I'd say....


today I was shopping with my dad...ok... I'm one of those famous "töchterli"...anyway, gotta go snowboarding again I'd say ;)

Meri said I should read that poem...freaking hell...it's just so great!!! Check it out...

In den Sand geschrieben
Dass das Schöne und Berückende
Nur ein Hauch und Schauer sein,
Dass das Köstliche, Entzückende,
Holde ohne Dauer sei:

Wolke, Blume, Seifenblase,
Feuerwerk und Kinderlachen,
Frauenblick im Spiegelglase
Und viel andre wunderbare Sachen,
Dass, sie , kaum entdeckt, vergehen,
Nur von Augenblickes Dauer,
Nur ein Duft und Windeswehen,
Ach, wir wissen es mit Trauer.

Und das Dauerhafte, Starre
ist uns nicht so innig teuer:
Edelstein mit kühlem Feuer
Glänzendschwere Goldesbarre,
Selbst die Sterne, nicht zu zählen,
Bleiben fern und fremd, sie gleichen
Uns Vergänglichen nicht erreichen
Nicht das Innerste der Seelen.

Nein, es scheint das innigst Schöne,
Liebenswerte dem Verderben
Zugeneigt, stets nah am Sterben,
Und das Köstlichste: die Töne
Der Musik, die im Entstehen
Schon enteilen, schon vergehen,
Sind nur Wehen, Ströme, Jagen
Und umweht von leiser Trauer,
Denn auch nicht auf Herzschlags Dauer
Lassen sie sich halten, bannen;
Ton um Ton, kaum angeschlagen,
Schwindet schon und rinnt von dannen.

So ist unser Herz dem Flüchtigen,
Ist dem Fließenden, dem Leben
Treu und brüderlich ergeben,
Nicht dem Festen, Dauertüchtigen.

Bald ermüdet uns das Bleibende,
Fels und Sternwelt und Juwelen,
Uns in ewigem Wandel treibende
Wind- und Seifenblasenseelen,
Zeitvermählte, Dauerlose,
Denen Tau am Blatt der Rose,
Denen eines Vogels Werben,
Eines Wolkenspieles Sterben,
Schneegeflimmer, Regenbogen,
Falter, schon hinweg geflogen,
Denen eines Lachens Läuten,
Das uns im Vorübergehen
Kaum gestreift, ein Fest bedeuten
Oder wehtun kann: Wir lieben,
Was uns gleich ist, und verstehen,
Was der Wind in den Sand geschrieben!

Hermann Hesse

...not actually..but I left the house with that song today..totally frightend once again. Went all right expect from my not available respect for the italian language ;) (Ho mescolato presente, passato remoto, prossimo e tutt'altro così per caso..)
Anyway...that's it. Wow...that's it. I'm free of the books. Feels pretty strange. I kinda feel like going to Carneval tonight...kinda. Dunno if it's the same as in Uri down here...anyway..Isa can decide in the end. Nice having her around tonight..and tomorrow we'll have a nice picnic at the lake...yeaaaaah! I'm looking forward to the upcoming 2 weeks...they're gonna be just great I hope.

...in Chicago, wo mich keiner kennt...ich komm nie mehr ich bin in Chicago..in Chicago..dort wo niemand, niemand meinen Namen nennt... (Mit ihrem sonnigen Traum vor Augen..läuft sie durch den Regen!)

Oh shit...maybe I'm supersticious..wouldn't that be horribile? I mean, ok imaginary friends, voices, stupid habits, up in clouds and all....but supersticious?? Yes...anyway...tomorrow too I will not go to that next bloody exam without

1. Rangitahiwai 2. Franco 3. My SUPER-RA shirt...

is that so bad? I mean it gives me confidence somehow. It's good that I once went to a Cambridge exam and left that stuff at home..fucking afraid...but passed. Still...I'm not gonna try the next days... So far it's going ok, some fear has fallen of from me, just three to go...
I'll miss it a lot to have some kind of family..I mean all the people eating with us right now...people walking in and out as if it would be normal...and that in our small as flat... We laught a lot, makes us think about other stuff...there's a life apart from Uni...we just don't remember where to look for it exactly...
Today I got invited for something I haven't yet decided about... I mean it's kinda and invitation to go back to my personal hell. Might just as well do it though... I've become somebody else anyway...a little bit. I can face my demonds now. Maybe it'll help me find out about certain things...
The other day I found a piece of something I wrote during summer...it stroke me like I dont know what... here it is...

Forse si deve solamente smettere a respirare. Senza respiro non si riesce a pensare, non sie riesce neanche a provare qualcosa, soffrire. Ma forse si vuole capire che qualcosa fa male, che non tutto va bene, per capire che si è vivi. Per rendersi conto che ci sono anche delle cose che sono giuste, belle. Che si può essere felice anche se si ha un campo di battaglia dentro di se. Può darsi che il cuore ti racconta delle bugie o non è talmente sincero. Il cuore ama le storie. Comunque forse siamo anche noi che non siamo pronti per ascoltare quello che ci racontano le nostre cuori...?! Ci sono delle cose ad accetare e forse anche delle cose a dimenticare...
So...that's how I thought back then and now???

Today I'd say... if heart battles against head...belly will win.

Things tend to turn out very much diffrent from what we imagine them, maybe even wish them to be....so what?! Get up, get out...summer's coming back. And summer...that's the time to be fucking happy...

ok...a whole day of eco...economy. I still don't like it even though Ursina and mine italo-german mixes and simple examples for not so simple theories can be kinda funny sometimes...
Outside.. it's very warm... January in Lugano is like Mai in Uri ;) I'm invited to a party next saturday and I'm looking forward to it...I think I'll know two people who're gonna be there and it'll be quite a trip to get there...but I like train-trips if they'reworth it...and I surely gotta get amongst people...two months of holidays coming up....yeah... (I know that it's only two weeks..but you're allowed to dream, right??)
Tonight indian food cooked by my roommate...soon I'm gonna move...(to the other side of the wall...I'm totally looking forward to redecorating...) and there's a lot of decoration plans in our flat...I'm nervous I just found out, trembling a bit. But it should be ok I guess... I mean I understand most of the stuff he could ask tomorrow....we'll see...
I haven't quite decited yet..if I wanna go to Carneval or not... I mean I'd go in Uri actually...maybe.. (and I would surely regret it..) I'd have the perfect dress-up idea...hmm (But I swore that I wouldn't go there anymore...drinking is not the answer ;) )

my quote of the day...:I'm one of those regular weird people. (Janis Joplin)

she's the one...she sure is...



27....that always makes me think...

....oggi...mangiando l'ho trovato l'idea perefetta: JOVANOTTI for president!
and later...on the balkony..just an hour of relaxing and enjoying the sun I knew that I'd rather be independent again... be everywhere and nowhere with people and guitars in the sun... so summer has to come back to us...and it will! next friday. Indy-Ra quindi...

Und unser Wok hat übrigens einen Deckel...(das Leben verliert hier an Konsistenz...)

Just doing the usual trade-off today... (ogni scelta quantitativa e una scelta al margine..)...uff... thirsday 18.15...f***....I'd need some advice from you....but you're busy with other stuff as usual...and so I'm shaking... yeah...I'm shaking (not in the dancing-way..) and it seems to be starting all over again...and outside is a concert...and I'm actually fine.

Coz..I mean...good old Simone de Beauvoir said: Change your life today. Don't gamble on the future, act now, without delay. (just in french I guess..) ;)

25. of Januar...first t-shirt day of this year.. (means: left the house with nothing else on...I know lame joke ;) ) But that moment there was pretty close to perfect..a good song in my ear...me singing along silently...some lady coming up to me.."ma non hai freddo..." con un sorriso :), ho anche parlato col vicino preferito...quello con la famiglia...(ne parlo più tardi ancora..) e poi...la Anna gridando dal altro lato dell'uni: "Raaaaaaaa"...(might just as well write in English again ;) ) she had done very well in her exam...at least somebody with a bit of success yeah... she hed Rangitahiwai with her...I knew that it brings luck... the sun was shining...and me with the bridest smile on my face...arrived to study bloody Eco with Ursina... and that's about what I've done today...
But one perfect moment isn't too bad right?! There are days who're like that all the time..but maybe it's for the people you're with and all... there is people who can easily safe your day... but maybe there too blind too see...dunno..
Anyway, coming back to the nice neighbour with the kids and all...yesterday I thought about having kids...being a mum and all...just a thought...you know...just a thought. And I liked the idea...I mean you cannot be more "maldestra" than I am right now... but apart from that...I cook for the lot, I listen, I give my opinion, I'm there for the people around me..the ones who want me to (I hope at least I that couldn't do more...)and I guess you can take your happiness out of that if you try...so that's how I passed my day...killing a Cafetiera and all...and then..me going back to studying in the evening...I got a text...and so I went out...and talked and talked... somebody needed to talk...and maybe I did too...so I heard about italians newest political drama... and well..do I have to say that I'm shocked?! Ok...twasn't really what would help to safe that wonderful country...but what's the alternative?! yeah...that's what I think...right.... Well... I'm interested what's gonna come now...
At least good old Switzerland's going back to be less...dunno...if I say right..that wouldn't be right..right? Let's say...I see a more positive future than in the pecoranera time... and well.. I am Swiss you know...Bob...I am Swiss I cannot lie about that.. (ai wennich niä wärdä schnupfä!!!!)Anyway...the family story...so I had had that thought in my head all day...and actually this is the year in which I'm gonna grow up right?! Lately I haven't even been able to look after myself...but given a couple of years...I guess I wanna be a mom some day...(and yeah....I can just write it like that...)
I'm gonna do some work now...before I go to bed... I'm back to taking serious decisions again...yeah Ra's back, the Ra I used to know!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a piece of paper with "where's Bob" on it on my window...where's Bob????? Am I somebody without Bob? Or just a shape...a block of thoughts-untold, a smile-unseen, I'm a trip to nowhere, I'm a thousand words but maybe...just diffrent signifiant, no diffrent signifié...o well... I miss Bob I guess.

...going crazy I guess...
two more exams today...means 4.30 hours of writing and thinking with a break of 15 minutes...more or less to change building...
Uff...just woke up from 100 years of sleep. Last night went to sleep with a horribile "intelligent business workbook audio cd" ;)
...Anyway...it might be the lack of sleep but I'm finally really going crazy I feel.... I mean i feel followed lately...hear voices n all *haha*... Or maybe it's just that person I can't take my thought of that's following me?!
...

....ok..tomorrow first exam..not that it would be suuch a big thing I know...but I can tell you why I'm frightened somehow...It's easy: I've never learned how it is to fail..I mean me..myself and I. I lost a looot of competitions in handball..but we were a team and it wasn't totally my faught ... (even though sometimes I knew that I....) Anyway...tomorrow I might have to learn how it is not to be good enough...not to be able to achieve everything without hardly any effort...lessons most of other people have learned a long time ago. But in the end..it's all a maybe... I will certainly pass some of those exams and the rest...we'll see.. I tried anyway...I tried hard to focus..not to think much about other things (I say I tried..) ....and FRANCO is with me...!!
But on friday I was there for my best friend when maybe she needed me...and I needed to see her. It was good being there...there where I surely don't belong to watch a theater that wasn't much of my kind and so wasn't the concert either... anyway.
It went on with friend-ly faces. Corinne's birthday party was great...the long it lastet for me. See my old mates...meet their new world (PHZ ;)) and just laugh a whole bloody lot and forget about nouns, verbs and articles... Now the list of things to do as soon as this is over has grown longer and longer... I finally wanna get back to life ;)

The pic shows...(obviously a zebra-face ) --> it's actually the elephant one ;)


in diesem sinne...es grüest üches Breitmuulzebra ;)

(Hügel sind, steht man kurz davor, gefühlte Berge.)