Oh shit...maybe I'm supersticious..wouldn't that be horribile? I mean, ok imaginary friends, voices, stupid habits, up in clouds and all....but supersticious?? Yes...anyway...tomorrow too I will not go to that next bloody exam without

1. Rangitahiwai 2. Franco 3. My SUPER-RA shirt...

is that so bad? I mean it gives me confidence somehow. It's good that I once went to a Cambridge exam and left that stuff at home..fucking afraid...but passed. Still...I'm not gonna try the next days... So far it's going ok, some fear has fallen of from me, just three to go...
I'll miss it a lot to have some kind of family..I mean all the people eating with us right now...people walking in and out as if it would be normal...and that in our small as flat... We laught a lot, makes us think about other stuff...there's a life apart from Uni...we just don't remember where to look for it exactly...
Today I got invited for something I haven't yet decided about... I mean it's kinda and invitation to go back to my personal hell. Might just as well do it though... I've become somebody else anyway...a little bit. I can face my demonds now. Maybe it'll help me find out about certain things...
The other day I found a piece of something I wrote during summer...it stroke me like I dont know what... here it is...

Forse si deve solamente smettere a respirare. Senza respiro non si riesce a pensare, non sie riesce neanche a provare qualcosa, soffrire. Ma forse si vuole capire che qualcosa fa male, che non tutto va bene, per capire che si è vivi. Per rendersi conto che ci sono anche delle cose che sono giuste, belle. Che si può essere felice anche se si ha un campo di battaglia dentro di se. Può darsi che il cuore ti racconta delle bugie o non è talmente sincero. Il cuore ama le storie. Comunque forse siamo anche noi che non siamo pronti per ascoltare quello che ci racontano le nostre cuori...?! Ci sono delle cose ad accetare e forse anche delle cose a dimenticare...
So...that's how I thought back then and now???

Today I'd say... if heart battles against head...belly will win.

Things tend to turn out very much diffrent from what we imagine them, maybe even wish them to be....so what?! Get up, get out...summer's coming back. And summer...that's the time to be fucking happy...

ok...a whole day of eco...economy. I still don't like it even though Ursina and mine italo-german mixes and simple examples for not so simple theories can be kinda funny sometimes...
Outside.. it's very warm... January in Lugano is like Mai in Uri ;) I'm invited to a party next saturday and I'm looking forward to it...I think I'll know two people who're gonna be there and it'll be quite a trip to get there...but I like train-trips if they'reworth it...and I surely gotta get amongst people...two months of holidays coming up....yeah... (I know that it's only two weeks..but you're allowed to dream, right??)
Tonight indian food cooked by my roommate...soon I'm gonna move...(to the other side of the wall...I'm totally looking forward to redecorating...) and there's a lot of decoration plans in our flat...I'm nervous I just found out, trembling a bit. But it should be ok I guess... I mean I understand most of the stuff he could ask tomorrow....we'll see...
I haven't quite decited yet..if I wanna go to Carneval or not... I mean I'd go in Uri actually...maybe.. (and I would surely regret it..) I'd have the perfect dress-up idea...hmm (But I swore that I wouldn't go there anymore...drinking is not the answer ;) )

my quote of the day...:I'm one of those regular weird people. (Janis Joplin)

she's the one...she sure is...



27....that always makes me think...

....oggi...mangiando l'ho trovato l'idea perefetta: JOVANOTTI for president!
and later...on the balkony..just an hour of relaxing and enjoying the sun I knew that I'd rather be independent again... be everywhere and nowhere with people and guitars in the sun... so summer has to come back to us...and it will! next friday. Indy-Ra quindi...

Und unser Wok hat übrigens einen Deckel...(das Leben verliert hier an Konsistenz...)

Just doing the usual trade-off today... (ogni scelta quantitativa e una scelta al margine..)...uff... thirsday 18.15...f***....I'd need some advice from you....but you're busy with other stuff as usual...and so I'm shaking... yeah...I'm shaking (not in the dancing-way..) and it seems to be starting all over again...and outside is a concert...and I'm actually fine.

Coz..I mean...good old Simone de Beauvoir said: Change your life today. Don't gamble on the future, act now, without delay. (just in french I guess..) ;)

25. of Januar...first t-shirt day of this year.. (means: left the house with nothing else on...I know lame joke ;) ) But that moment there was pretty close to perfect..a good song in my ear...me singing along silently...some lady coming up to me.."ma non hai freddo..." con un sorriso :), ho anche parlato col vicino preferito...quello con la famiglia...(ne parlo più tardi ancora..) e poi...la Anna gridando dal altro lato dell'uni: "Raaaaaaaa"...(might just as well write in English again ;) ) she had done very well in her exam...at least somebody with a bit of success yeah... she hed Rangitahiwai with her...I knew that it brings luck... the sun was shining...and me with the bridest smile on my face...arrived to study bloody Eco with Ursina... and that's about what I've done today...
But one perfect moment isn't too bad right?! There are days who're like that all the time..but maybe it's for the people you're with and all... there is people who can easily safe your day... but maybe there too blind too see...dunno..
Anyway, coming back to the nice neighbour with the kids and all...yesterday I thought about having kids...being a mum and all...just a thought...you know...just a thought. And I liked the idea...I mean you cannot be more "maldestra" than I am right now... but apart from that...I cook for the lot, I listen, I give my opinion, I'm there for the people around me..the ones who want me to (I hope at least I that couldn't do more...)and I guess you can take your happiness out of that if you try...so that's how I passed my day...killing a Cafetiera and all...and then..me going back to studying in the evening...I got a text...and so I went out...and talked and talked... somebody needed to talk...and maybe I did too...so I heard about italians newest political drama... and well..do I have to say that I'm shocked?! Ok...twasn't really what would help to safe that wonderful country...but what's the alternative?! yeah...that's what I think...right.... Well... I'm interested what's gonna come now...
At least good old Switzerland's going back to be less...dunno...if I say right..that wouldn't be right..right? Let's say...I see a more positive future than in the pecoranera time... and well.. I am Swiss you know...Bob...I am Swiss I cannot lie about that.. (ai wennich niä wärdä schnupfä!!!!)Anyway...the family story...so I had had that thought in my head all day...and actually this is the year in which I'm gonna grow up right?! Lately I haven't even been able to look after myself...but given a couple of years...I guess I wanna be a mom some day...(and yeah....I can just write it like that...)
I'm gonna do some work now...before I go to bed... I'm back to taking serious decisions again...yeah Ra's back, the Ra I used to know!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a piece of paper with "where's Bob" on it on my window...where's Bob????? Am I somebody without Bob? Or just a shape...a block of thoughts-untold, a smile-unseen, I'm a trip to nowhere, I'm a thousand words but maybe...just diffrent signifiant, no diffrent signifié...o well... I miss Bob I guess.

...going crazy I guess...
two more exams today...means 4.30 hours of writing and thinking with a break of 15 minutes...more or less to change building...
Uff...just woke up from 100 years of sleep. Last night went to sleep with a horribile "intelligent business workbook audio cd" ;)
...Anyway...it might be the lack of sleep but I'm finally really going crazy I feel.... I mean i feel followed lately...hear voices n all *haha*... Or maybe it's just that person I can't take my thought of that's following me?!
...

tomorrow at this time it's gonna be 4/8 exams...yeah yeah yeah..nearly over. not really over

anyway...tonight...full moon they say...just was in india for a while... came home with a lot of questions (and only a small amount of time to get some business english words into my head...) and so here are some..affermations instead of questions though.

-You cannot spell believe without lie. (No need for a name)

- Loose ends have their purpose.


Hmm...I dunno??!!

...wikipedia in german...just read, don't think...even books in german...awesome ;)

...to see my name on a list... (for example to be enroled for an english exam)

...to sit there and stare at the wall...sure better than studying stupid stuff...

...to remember how cool Lolle used to be...(yes...I still like Berlin Berlin)

...to get postcards, letters, CDs :) (no actually not sometimes...always!!!)

...to finish exams an hour before all the others..and hope that this doesn't mean they all knew a whole lot more...

....ok..tomorrow first exam..not that it would be suuch a big thing I know...but I can tell you why I'm frightened somehow...It's easy: I've never learned how it is to fail..I mean me..myself and I. I lost a looot of competitions in handball..but we were a team and it wasn't totally my faught ... (even though sometimes I knew that I....) Anyway...tomorrow I might have to learn how it is not to be good enough...not to be able to achieve everything without hardly any effort...lessons most of other people have learned a long time ago. But in the end..it's all a maybe... I will certainly pass some of those exams and the rest...we'll see.. I tried anyway...I tried hard to focus..not to think much about other things (I say I tried..) ....and FRANCO is with me...!!
But on friday I was there for my best friend when maybe she needed me...and I needed to see her. It was good being there...there where I surely don't belong to watch a theater that wasn't much of my kind and so wasn't the concert either... anyway.
It went on with friend-ly faces. Corinne's birthday party was great...the long it lastet for me. See my old mates...meet their new world (PHZ ;)) and just laugh a whole bloody lot and forget about nouns, verbs and articles... Now the list of things to do as soon as this is over has grown longer and longer... I finally wanna get back to life ;)

The pic shows...(obviously a zebra-face ) --> it's actually the elephant one ;)


in diesem sinne...es grüest üches Breitmuulzebra ;)

(Hügel sind, steht man kurz davor, gefühlte Berge.)