Zivilcourage und anderes tägliches Wunschdenken,
durch A. zu spazieren heisst genau gekannte Winkel zu durchqueren...heisst sich nicht so sehr wundern, heisst Menschen sehen, erkennen, nicht benennen können. Durch Altdorf gehen und sich trotzdem wieder mal überaschen lassen, das ist das Ziel. Hier zu sein, lösst in meinem Innern eine bereits bekannt scheinende Einsamkeit oder gar Verlassenheit aus, doch mit starkem Hang zum Freiheitsdrang, jener hier momentan aufs Stärkste befriedigt, wenn da nicht die Stunden im Büro wären. An sich macht arbeiten Spass, doch kommt der Moment wo man mehr von sich erwartet, wo alles sich bereits gesehen anfühlt. Man wundert sich nur noch, werd ich je irgendwas zufriedenstellend finden? Das der Tag heute, jeden Tag eine gute Tat, heute Münzen aufgehoben für ne alte Frau... "Um Gottes willä gids nid"...hat sie gemeint und so ist der Franken nun mein...

Ein Blick sagt tausend Sachen. Doch man sei vor den Fragezeichen gewarnt, die sich unwiderruflich in deine Seele bohren und sich dort zu bahaupten Wissen. Auch Ausrufezeichen schwirren dir wie Schatten durch den Kopf und sehnen sich die Kommas in Punkte zu verwandeln.

Worte verdrehen. Ich mag es nicht, wenn meine synkopisch nachgestellten und mit Seele versetzten Texte misshandelt, umgewandelt werden. Meiner Fehler im äussersten bewusst, wage ich doch einen eigenen Stil zu erwägen. Was für eine Qual, zu arbeiten und Menschen mit Seelenfutter zu bedienen und das Niveau den selbigen anzupassen. Könnt ihr denn nicht folgen, wenn sich dort Fremdwörter einnisten?! Ich liebe Wörter deren Sinn ich nur erahnen mag, runzle gern die Stirn bei faszinierend Grossen Reden. Wenn mir einer Sache bewusst, dann das diese Faszination nicht schwindet. Nicht mit der Liebe zu ihr, nicht mit neuen Träumen. Und auch das Herz hat wieder zu hüpfen gewagt, kleine Sprünge, klitzekleine Sprünge und trotzdem. Wie dieses neu erwachte Sehnen Kraft verleihen kann, zeigt mein Muskelkater heute.

Wenn täglich meiner Worte Ertrag mich nähren würd, so wär dies ferner noch dem Traum als oft gedacht. Denn für wen sie ihren Glanz auch in Fülle entfalten, dahingestellt, doch was wenn Anpassung verlangt, Kompromisse erwünsch sind?! Schwindend klein die Chance auf Akteptanz der Kunst in einer Welt wo die Tage Geschichte schreiben wollen und deswegen keiner Platz hat sie auf seine Weise darzulegen. Wenn heute Atomunfälle passieren und wir den gleichen Fehler, wenn auch vielleicht so gesehen erst in heut noch jungen ungeborenen Augen, wieder zu begehen wagen. Wer weiss wie das alles ausgeht. Doch ich schaff's nicht die Augen einfach zu zu kneifen um dem unausweichlich grossen Grau nicht in Angesicht gegenüberstehen zu müssen - denn Realismus ist heutzutage Volkskrankheit.

they do exist those perfect days...they do exist. I had a day off today...and the weather couldn't have been better. So I slept in, try to do some of the points on the list my mom left me... I had lunch in the garden, had a little nap in the fresh cut grass and just enjoyed my freedom. Then picked up my bro at the trainstation and went to the lake. Everyone was there. Three perfect hours on the lake, with my new mast (made it Italy..but awesome!! hihi) then... rushed down to the lake (ok doesn't make sense, but other spot let's say...) and met some good old friends for a freestyle-bbq.. (i'll put a photo here soon ;)) We had just a great time ,got all dirty and ate a loot!! That's one of those days...just perfect.

Uri's a bit too much at times, but I guess one can get used to it.

Today I have a day off..it's awesome! I went grocery - shopping and stuff like that. Even though I'm always trying to do something in the evening after the newspaper job / the waitress job I'm usually tired... The last days brought some nice moment anyway.... stormriding aka "the search" with my brother and a friend, chilling, eating indian food (with our hands of course) with Flo and then watching another strange movie I'm still wondering about now... I also did a bit of drawing, went to a dinner at my cousins with my brother (and saw the little prince!)...
Writing for the newspaper is mostly fun. I mean I even think I can learn something there. It seems I'm working a lot, I'm usually exhausted but I can do a lot of diffrent things and even have quite some responsability...which means it stresses me even more ;) But I'm proud of reading my name on top of an article.
Got nearly all marks for my exams... they bring me a bit closer to future dreams, whatever they may be...
Tonight Isa and Luisga will come up...finally a bit of change :)

well... one year at uni's over. I'm no longer amongst the freshmen ;)

A lot happend in this year...I agreed to some major changes... I moved out at home, my first flat, my first flatmates, a new language, a new canton, a new life. I kinda started to think about what I wanna do in my future (and even think I'm starting to find some kind of an answer...) I found a bunch of new friends and made this city make me feel at home...I also lost a lot of people on the way..said goodbye, or didn't even say goodbye...
I think I can say that Lugano's good, a lot of people complain...I don't understand why...if you want to enjoy this place..you sure can!
I'm in front of two months working in Uri...
J. said...looks like you're moving out forever ;)

Now I'm here and already I am sure that I am not yet ready to be here all happy and all... The old wounds are still there, saw my old school, didn't feel anything. I know I didn't fit here very well in the past, how should I fit here now?? But maybe it's a question of wanting to...and I do want to, somehow...a little bit, I guess...

Strange days those passing by right now... I'm sitting here with the 3. cuppa tea and cannot actually concentrate on whatever it is I should study. I have learnt that it might seem the most important and horrible thing on earth...but for the rest of the world it just goes on like that... I can hear the fans of the italian team in the bar around the corner... I wouldn't miss no goal at least acousticly... EM or whatever you wanna call it while we're doing exams...bad luck I guess.
The whole story of that one particular game where I was sure on the wrong side...finished with my team winning triumphically... and Ticino showed it's face for once: fireworks and cars on the street :) anyway...if I win I'll go to the Netherlands ...I promised Caro today :) Twas too much saying goodbye today for me. I played Twister the whole afternoon and changed left and right a million times ;) I'll miss my little angel!
Just got a text from an old friend back home who wants to watch soccer with me...well gotta do another 5 exams first... and then I'll go and get me some...

get me some

sitting here too long, too long
drawing lines on my face
i swear i’m gonna blow this town
gonna pack my suitcase
there’s a whole lot of living
that i haven’t done
gonna go and get me some

so where you gonna go, when you gonna go
how you gonna get there?
with your blue jeans on
and your head full of no idea
and you paint quite a silhouette
walking into the setting sun
on your way to get you some, you’re singing...

i’m free, i’m free
when the sun shines down on me

to the ends of the earth now
tell me what you think you’re gonna find
everything you’re looking for
is somewhere in the back of your mind
and nothing’s any different
when everything is said and done
but you’re still out to get you some, singing...

i’m free, i’m free
when the sun shines down on me

all hopes and dreams
no money no means
no permanent address
you got holes in your shoes,
holes in your pockets
and your heart in a mess
and who you gonna blame now
that everything has come undone
you had to go and get you some
you’re still singing...

i’m free, i’m free
when the sun shines down on me

(the waifs)

The other day my flatmate said: "at the moment my life feels like a fucking soap opera...but today...it kinda turned into a sitcom"... so basically we created the concept for "Foolia...Wege ins Unglück" and I think it would be a great success... except that I should maybe bring in some stories too... well I guess I'd rather start in a months when this year's really over... but somehow it is, already now. Last class today and I don't feel anything at all. It's just a matter of fact... I'm sitting here all numb and not even look forward to go over to the neighbours, I'm just not caring much...but could also be I'm just tired...too tired.
Still I might look back on that year which still managed to change my life into a pretty important direction...which seems to be crucial for my future. And as I look back on what I expected my life to be here, I'm happy with it. I got great friends, I couldn've imagined it to be like that...(and I got good friends back home and all around...who make sure a I get heaps of postcards and letters ;) )I don't like many of the people in my class...but that don't matter actually...I'm still seen as the strange one by many people, but that only means that Uri is not so diffrent from the rest of the world. I do sports nearly every day...Lugano sometimes presents you new faces, smells and experiences and I think that I still want to have a lot of that... and I might just bring back the last words of the professor yesterday...she said: "Aim high"..

how can you possibly forget something that means the world to you? And by not being somebody it clearly has some advantages... I'm talking about windsurfing. It seems as if during the past months, this crazy year down south I havn't had time to long for the water, the wind, the waves. But now I'm sitting here back home and my whole body's sore from yesterdays action and it makes me incredibly happy to have rediscovered my passion. I was working here on my computer when I got picked up by a friend and we went directly down to the lake...have a look around, greet the people, get ya stuff ready, put the wetsuit on (still have no shoes and only short sleeves...kinda chilly!) and off you go. This summer's gonna be great...work and surf. (that kinda sounds like last year...but it's gonna be all diffrent I think...)
This was the only thing I allowed myself to do, I'm studying n working and I'm kinda far away from the real world...but this hype's gonna be over in about a month....and it's gonna keep on raining in Lugano...so no need to create spare time :)

...but so alive.
It's as if I'd need 100hour days right now... I'm just not getting anywhere with anything. I wanna chill and go out in the sun...run, scream, enjoy the summer. I wanna swimm, play sports, get blond hair (;))...but actually I'd need to work, read and study. It sucks. Three jobs is a lot plus the volunteer stuff...but no, it's not too much. I'm happy that my life's full of things... full of moments and people... oh and I'm sorry that I'm not always there and around, some people might think I'm gone but I'm just a bit more invisible at the moment.
Good things on my mind?! Heaps! NZ is very much alive at the moment, after the AFS camp (which was just great...I like being the boss, but most of all I like reading reactions into people's faces, seeing them getting to know themselves, seeing them being interested in what you wanna teach them...)
The Sarah Bettens concert was just great... the curly girl of course...and seeing Sarah on the roof and at the river was pretty cool. The songs have been some kind of a support during past months and we might even sing one of them...3...11 or who knows...
I came back after the weekend with a lot of enthusiasm, power and will. To get away from this bloody computer and go out in the world...I'm working on it ;)

I wanna sleep...I'd need to work another hour to get to an end with it...I should I should... This summer I'll work and hopefully I'll have time to surf...to spend time with Levi, with people I seldom see right now...and to go the Lido and sing with the Luisgafe - Band ;)

coz my wall came down today and I thought...this is when the wall comes down ;)

Last summer stops only now that the new one starts...wonder if it holds surprised like the last one... what's for sure now, it has begun...a wonderful day at the lido and later "Novecento" as a theatre...just great! Michelle was round which was fun and well...time's running out for too many thing and all I wanna do...is chill.


"for a minute there I lost myself"..."isn't it ironic?"
Gabri, Luisga, Ra, Mitchy and Fe in the sun.

uffa...outside there's a nice storm going on...I like lightenings very much....dunno why...this spring is pretty aweful as far as the weather goes though, today I'm happy with it anyway. When you're suddenly called to come and play some soccer and it's pooring down outside...that what I call being alive :) Everything was soaked afterwards, but it was my favourite game of soccer I've played until now I think...then watched Chelsea-Liverpool, made a new Jenga-record..(and lost three times!) and well...had to make the pizza in the end. Walking home with Fe, barefoot was nice too...
well except that I'm kinda afraid of the upcoming months, three jobs, the volunteer stuff, friends and well...exams (since I'm gonna have to do even the psicology one...what a shame!!!) but there'll be a chillin evening at my good old lake soon I'm sure. And I'll meet the little prince, Levi :) anyway gotta finish that sentence before....except....I'm actually pretending very well to be fine.